Reasons
by Supernaturelle
Summary: Missing scene from Hunted. Sam's stream of consciousness. Hope you enjoy!


A/N: Missing scene from Hunted. My thoughts kind of ran away with me on this one. Hope you enjoy – it's my first oneshot, so please review if you feel moved to!

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything more than the DVDs.

**Reasons**

"Give me some time to think, okay? I'm begging you here. Please. _Please_."

I was almost surprised at the slight quiver, the absolute desperation in my brother's voice. Almost. But not quite. Because I know.

I know Dean, know that a worryingly large part of him has one unbelievably stubborn, blind, one-track setting – over-protective big brother. It terrifies me sometimes, just how self-sacrificing and blind to his own welfare Dean can get when it comes down to me being in trouble. I know I get the same way – when I tell him he's my brother and I'd die for him, I mean it too. Always have, always will.

And in a way, it's a good thing. Neither of us has anything else left in the world that we can cling to, rely on, like we can each other. We drive each other on. And because we've seen so much, been through so much together, we know that we feel the same way. We would both put our own lives on the line rather than end up having to go on alone. And it's the one thing, more than anything else, that keeps us careful. Knowing that the other will always jump in and get in over their heads too – it's a pretty powerful incentive to try and not do anything stupid, to always be as prepared and ready as we possibly can be.

And because I know all this, I wasn't surprised. Because I could imagine what he's been putting himself through. He's been carrying this weight with him, the terrible things that our own father said to him, the knowledge that this is the one thing he can't make sure he's ready for. Neither of us can. It's been horribly obvious for a while now that what's coming is not up to us. Our control is slipping, and Dean's known for weeks now just how bad things could get.

Not known exactly what could happen, because us knowing all the details? No, dad didn't bother to think that it might be useful for us to know what we're up against. He hid things from us all his life, disappeared without warning, wanted to protect us from the really big bad. And I'm pretty damn sure he was trying to do the same when he obviously didn't tell Dean everything he knew. But this time, he's definitely failed. Whatever it is that's happening seems pretty unstoppable at this point – it's coming at us full-speed whether we know what "it" is or not, and keeping us in slightly less of the dark hasn't been helping so far.

Because Dean's starting to slip already. Most of the time he manages to keep up the cocky, arrogant front – the one that for some reason seems to be irresistible to women and which drives me up the wall. But I know him too well, and I've been watching, and there have been times when it's been painfully visible just how badly he was coping with knowing what dad had said and wondering what he hadn't. He's been taking it out on anything he could – the things he should be taking it out on, the things we've been hunting all our lives, but also apparently anything nearby that is linked in his mind with dad. He's angry with him – it's odd that I never figured that one out, really, but he was always so damned defensive of the man. Knowing that he must have known something more, though, that he kept something from us even in the last moments of his life, never quite gave us everything we needed – it's tearing Dean apart. It's why he lashed out at the Impala, at me.

And so, back to the current problem. It's me. It's these damn powers that I have, that I don't understand, that I can't control – and that are somehow connected with the Demon. And it's that stubborn and unrelenting need that Dean has to protect me. Because not knowing what's coming means that he can't be sure he's doing that. God, it must have been driving him insane – not knowing whether any choice we made could be the wrong one, could start me down the path to wherever it is that there's a danger of me going.

But just because I know all this doesn't mean that I had no right to be angry when he finally told me. I've wanted to help him, for him to talk to me – I'd asked him so many times, given him the opportunity to share the burden.

Turns out that knowing each other so well isn't a messed up kind of mutual support system anymore – it's a huge problem. Because Dean does need to take some responsibility for not telling me before. I regret yelling it at him – I know how wearing everything's been on him, that everything he said about wishing dad hadn't said anything, was true – but I also know that he's still holding things back from me now.

Of course loyalty to dad and that protective instinct made sure Dean kept his mouth shut about this for as long as he could, but that wasn't all. There's something else there, something that made me so mad back by that lake that I really was tempted to cash in that raincheck and take a swing at him. He tried not to tell me because we both know that, if the situation does end up coming to what dad said – if I do somehow end up evil – there's a damn good chance Dean wouldn't be able to follow that final order, to do what needed to be done. But even worse? He knows that I'd want him to. That if I was too far gone, if there was a chance he or any other innocent people could get hurt, that I'd rather he wasted me. And he was trying to block that out. Trying to take that decision away from me because he won't like the choice I make, and we both know it.

I don't think I could ever have imagined things getting this bad, this screwed up.

And all of this is the reason that I've been lying awake in the dark for close to four hours now. The car ride back to the motel was silent, that kind of screaming silence that drives you crazy. But there was no more either of us could say – we both needed our own time to think, to really process things. So that's what I've been doing. And I've made my decision.

I'm doing this because I need to. Not just for me, but for Dean too. Because we both desperately need those answers we don't have yet before we go crazy or... I don't even want to think about the possibilities. I've already done that too much, and I'm going to put all my energy into figuring out how we can try and avoid what's coming.

Because I want to protect my brother like he's been trying to protect me, because I don't know any other way, I'm going to go alone.

Because I know that he would try and stop me, make me stay, I'm going to slip out the door as quietly as I can and hope he doesn't wake up.

Because I know him, I know he'll ignore anything I say. He'll worry like hell and come looking for me anyway.

Because I love him, I'm going to leave a note to try and make him understand why I need to do this. But I won't tell him where I'm going.


End file.
